i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
