Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
