Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
