I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
