just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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