My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
she smelled like a LAN party
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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