Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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