so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
