just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
