WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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