I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
