your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
