if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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