Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
