You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
