I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
