Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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