saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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