I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
