oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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