Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
