my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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