Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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