When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
