she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
