Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
