piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I cannot find my penis.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
