My hair reeks of homosexuality.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
