I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
