Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
