Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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