last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
