he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
