dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
