I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
