Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
50% drunk capacity currently
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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