my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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