yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
