At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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