I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
