My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
