There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
