she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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