She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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