batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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