ugly people sure do ruin things
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
