Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
