Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
