she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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