I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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