I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
